resurfacing

I know being a mom will be tough. I just wasn't prepared for how difficult it would be to become one. Our Plan originally was to use known donors to help achieve pregnancy. It comes with a pretty daunting legal risk, but seemed the most ideal and personal way to approach conceiving. 

However, this approach meant relying on another person, and with that came the question of his emotional readiness.

After the most recent potential donor (who also happened to be #3) backed out at the end of this summer, I found it increasingly difficult to write posts that didn't focus on my disenchantment. I have so much I want to blog, to discuss, to explore, but each time I sit down to write, I cannot bring myself to do it.

I want to write a mommy blog, but I'm not a mom.

And despite our efforts, I'm not a mother.

There are so many, almost too many, hurdles in front of us on this path.

Each time we've gotten our hopes dashed by a last-minute donor backout, a 5-digit price tag, or the discovery of a new law or legislation designed to keep children in foster care, I have shrugged it off. "It is just a setback," I mumble, and I instead focus my energies on lesson planning for my students, writing poetry, or retiling the kitchen in my in media res home. I do laundry, I feed goats, I take naps, I read the blogs of the moms whose ranks I so long to join. I stay busy, stay focused, and stay relaxed, openminded even. I have to believe that somewhere out there, there is someone — no, there are people, lots of them... stay positive, stay positive — who know, who understand, and who are able and willing to help. There is a whole world filled with people who aren't motivated by fear and hate, but instead guided by peaceful compassion and respect.

Somewhere out there are people — doctors, donors, counselors, organizations of people who know and believe it isn't "differing genitals" that make good parents, but instead it is the will, the desire, and the commitment to being parents that sparks the fire of being outstanding (and imperfect) parents.

I am not a mom. But this is just a setback.

It feels like the entire world is filled with people and systems designed to isolate, to single us out and to deny us this joy, this privilege, this right.

Surely that is not true. It's just a setback... right?